Exploring My Mexican Identity in Mexico
I am the child of immigrants and a first-generation student. My parents moved to the United States from M茅xico鈥痓efore I was born. They wanted me to live where I would have opportunities they didn鈥檛 have growing up, to get a better education and live a better life. My mother believed in my future, so she sacrificed her comfort and her family in hopes that one day, I鈥檇 have the life she dreamt for me.
It was hard for my mother to transition to the culture in the United States and leave all she knew behind. It was especially hard to leave her family. She didn鈥檛 understand the language nor the culture, but she persevered. She found a job and quickly learned how to speak English, but living in the United States took a toll on her emotional health. She felt alone. She couldn鈥檛 see or hug her family back in M茅xico, and she missed them. We never had the opportunity to travel to M茅xico because of our economic status. However, she never regretted leaving.
Being Mexican 鈥 and American
Growing up, my siblings and I were surrounded by Mexican culture. We ate tamales, frijoles, pozole, tacos, and a variety of other Mexican foods. There was a pi帽ata at every birthday party, M茅xico鈥檚 Independence Day, rosca for el D铆a de los Reyes Magos, and endless quincea帽eras. However, I have also grown up in U.S. culture and sometimes feel like I know it better, simply because it鈥檚 ingrained in the education system.
I identify as Mexican-American, but it鈥檚 an identity I have struggled with. I鈥檓 proud of my identity and my Mexican heritage. But sometimes I felt like I wasn鈥檛 Mexican enough. How much did I really know about the country of my ancestors? I didn鈥檛 grow up there. Did that make me less Mexican? All of my other friends and family had been to M茅xico and described its beauty to me in detail. But I never had the chance to visit.
That鈥檚 why I decided to study abroad in M茅xico. Being here is a way to help me understand my Mexican identity. My mother didn鈥檛 understand. 鈥淚 came to the U.S. to give you a better life, and you want to go back?鈥 she鈥檇 ask. I had to explain what it meant for me to travel the world and especially how meaningful it was to me to come to M茅xico. Once she understood, she was still concerned, but she was glad I鈥檇 get to meet her family, who she hasn鈥檛 seen in 20 years.
Coming home to M茅xico
I didn鈥檛 know how I would feel, but once I stepped off the plane in M茅xico City, I felt a wave of happiness and ease rush through my body. I was home. These feelings intensified as my host parents picked me up in M茅rida. The sun鈥檚 warmth felt like a hug. I felt like M茅xico was welcoming me with open arms and embraced me like a mother embraces her child, with love.
My first month here has been wonderful. I didn鈥檛 know how much my heart yearned to be in M茅xico until I was finally here, and it has helped me explore my identity. Little by little, I鈥檓 getting to know M茅xico, well, Yucat谩n. I鈥檝e met such kind people that have made me feel welcome. I鈥檓 learning more about a variety of topics and I鈥檝e had interesting conversations with people about politics and the culture.
Staying with a host family has helped me feel at home and allowed me to get to know and understand the people here and their way of life. Taking classes at UADY and engaging with students here has also helped. I鈥檝e learned a lot just from being in the classroom, seeing how students engage with one another, and hearing their thoughts on different topics.
Part of me feels like a foreigner. In class, I can see that I鈥檝e been educated differently and have learned different things. There are things I don鈥檛 understand or know because I didn鈥檛 grow up here. I stand out at the university, but part of me also feels like I belong. I鈥檓 excited to keep exploring and learn more about M茅xico, myself, and how I fit in here.
Carolina R. | Colby College | IFSA M茅rida Universities Program | Spring 2019